The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear.

“I got cut off on the last post…

I wanted to again extend my gratitude to everyone who has been working to support me, and fundraising. There has been just an amazing amount of contributions from the local environmental groups to personal friends and I am just so grateful for that.

A little bit more information about the celebration:

It’s going to be on the 10th or 11th. We’ll schedule it for Saturday the 10th but maybe if I’m feeling bad we’ll wait a day and do it on the 11th. So try to keep your schedule free for that weekend.

It’s going to be a pot luck, so please bring food, and we’re looking for music if anyone has an idea about musicians. We were thinking of Zack - maybe Zack will be around to play some violin or maybe Yana will play her cello.

That’s it for now, talk to you soon.”

cauch

“Hi, it’s Jeremy, doing my voice post again. It’s been a while. I haven’t really been feeling up to focusing on doing a voice post until today, but I do today.

I was in the hospital for a little over three weeks and got out on Friday the 26th. As part of that hospital stay I had a surgery, actually I had two surgeries. One where they placed an intrathecal pump into my side – it looks like a baseball…huge, and they also did some surgery on T-9 where they cleared away some cancer that could have potentially paralyzed me.

So, I’m still walking. In fact, I have gone on a few hikes. I went on a hike with my dad, and my uncle and cousin the other day - that was really sweet. I went up to Lagunitas and walked around a little bit. I’m slow because my feet are swelling and it’s quite painful, but at least I can walk.

…what else…

The pain pump is pretty amazing. It takes care of most of the pain I’m experiencing except the swelling pain; I’ve got this swelling pain and nerve pain shooting down my leg. But I can’t complain - the pump is definitely doing its job.

I also got this “PCA” – a personal controlled analgesic device which is hooked up to an IV in my arm and I can wear this little butt bag and I can basically give myself Dilaudid every ten minutes if I need to, so that combined with intrathecal pump which drips opiates directly into my spine and also all the oral opiates I’m taking pretty much take care of the pain.

I’m still trying to work on the balance of being as lucid as I can be, or as clear as I can be. That’s still taking some work. I don’t like to feel distracted by the pain, not the pain, but the drugs, so I’m still working on that balance.

Anyway, what else have I got to say…

Next weekend, we’re going to have a celebration of my life, a party/ living wake. We’re going to do it at Golden Gate Park, probably at the Redwood Grove which is where Bethleigh and I were married.

You can get more information about that by calling John Picone who’s just been totally awesome in organizing my life.

There’s a new phone number: that is 202-674-5576.

That’s Amazon Watch’s number; they gave the phone to John for this because he’s been running out of minutes. Call that number. Again 202-674-5576.

There’s going to be music, food there and some people speaking about me and also, I want to give people an opportunity to say whatever they want to say to me. And clear up anything or celebrate anything and so this is an opportunity to do that. We’ll have to figure out how to coordinate all of it – I don’t know if there’s going to be time limits or what. We’ll figure it out on the day.

That’s it.
I’m feeling pretty good today. It’s kind of an overcast day today in San Anselmo. It’s beautiful - fall has definitely hit here, so the trees are turning colors and dropping leaves and it’s quite colorful.

I’m just so incredibly grateful for my family and friends.”

cauch

“Hi, it’s Jeremy, a few days after surgery and today feeling quite refreshed. It’s a sunny day here and I’m feeling more integrated and more like the things that were taken out of my body and the other things were put in are beginning to assimilate a little bit.

I feel generally a little bit more whole and that feels good because it makes me feel more able to communicate and more wanting to communicate, so, here I am on my Live Journal Voice Post again.

The other thing that I wanted to talk about was the wonderful event, the Rainforest Action Network (http://www.ran.org/ ) event that I was able to escape from the UCSF Med Center at the last minute to make it. That was great – we had to do this stealth – I dressed up in my nice shirt and then put a gown over it and wheeled myself down to the cafeteria late at night because the nurses weren’t going to let me leave because they may not have ever let me back into the hospital if I did being it was two days after my surgery.
Even though one of my doctors argued for letting me go if I felt up to it.

We had to do some stealth stuff and we did end up making it there on time. As soon as we arrived, the doors opened at REVEL. My wife was there and she met me on the stage and I was able to receive the People and Planet award from the Rainforest Action Network.

That’s a wonderful gift for me to receive from an organization that I love so much and one that I know stands for the same things, working to target areas where human rights abuses and environmental destruction coincide. Those are the hot spots in the world that we need to focus on. They are all over; they are right in our backyard sometimes.

So anyway, I was also going to read a poem if I was not going to show up at the event.
I’m going to try to read that poem now and bear with me a little bit because it’s long and my mouth gets kind of parched.

It goes:

I come from the forest
I always have
Ever since my mom gave me the Giving Tree I've known
Because near to everywhere I have lived forests have grown
And I’ve fought for them too, almost everywhere
From California my home,
to Alaska and down to the heart of the Amazon sound
In the cloud forests of Ecuador
In the jungles of Burma
I sang with and ate with the families from there.
And learned about their homes
And how their forests have grown
And the dying of peoples, animals and trees
from the violence "they’ve" sown, repeats everywhere.

I come from the forest and I’ll fight since I care
Because there is freedom in the continued existence of bear,
wolf, salmon and eagle and what we don’t know exists
And we can keep using the tree that it gives us as gifts
If we listen and we care
Because they always have been giving
It’s in their very nature
Our shelter, warmth, food, and medicine arrive without asking
Like fruit from their branches, Not to mention clean air
And falling of leaves
like the falling of trees, Shows us
that death is just recycling with the dying of trees
But don’t steal every seed with your money and greed
And turn every forest into a burnt field of weeds

I come from the forest
and I am a tree
and this process is natural, even for me.
In fact, I am not as big or as old as the most majestic creatures
that disappear every day without complaint or lectures
My leaves may be browning, a fire there may be
To quicken my cycle, the life of a tree
But don’t doubt I will see you
and give to you again
because that’s the ever-present process we’re in
And If I have a choice about what’s next to offer
It will be to come back to the beautiful sea, an otter.

~

So that’s my poem to you
A poem I have been thinking about
About myself and also to my unborn child, a child I may never have
And a general poem for everyone.”

“Hi, it’s been a while since I’ve made any posts and, in my mind, understandably so, I’ve just been going through a lot.

I’m now back here at Mount Parnassus in the hospital. I’ve been in and out of the hospital a lot, frequently, mostly dealing with pain due to metastasis, and now also looking at surgery due to metastasis because if I don’t try to clear some area around my T-9 (thoracic-9) part of my spine then I could become paralyzed and that’s just, you know, the top of the pile of crap that I’ve been dealing with.
There’s metastasis on my head and I’m getting an MRI of my brain. Needless to say that this is troubling me and Beth and my family quite a bit and everybody has been so incredibly supportive and I am so grateful for all of you for how supportive you’ve been. Thank you so much for that. Please continue to be, not only for me and for Beth Leigh and my family because we all need it right now.

I don’t even know how to look at this anymore. The amount of news I’ve gotten recently has created one of those moments where you just feel like all you can do is laugh because things can’t get any worse than this, you know?

My brain could be metastasizing; I could become paralyzed and there is a new area of metastasis three or four vertebrae up that I have to have irradiated now which is what I’m doing now and have been doing for the last few days. And in all of that I should include getting this other surgery to get an interscalene pump that will reduce the pain I feel throughout my body.

The amount of pain I feel throughout the body requires enough painkillers to, probably, to at least sedate a large animal like an elephant.

What can I say - my spirits – I’m so excited to be alive but I don’t want to suffer anymore. Suffering sucks. If there’s any hard part of this struggle it’s identifying with suffering and identifying with pain and allowing either one of those to overtake the last beautiful, loving moments I may have in my life. It’s my work.

That’s it for now.”

cauch

“Well, I had my fourth healing ceremony yesterday, and it was definitely one of the slower, less entertaining ones that I’ve done.

It’s interesting because it’s not a real issue for me because, for me, being in the healing is incredibly intense. Actually, I feel lighter today and less pain in my pelvis, and just a greater sense of knowing I can win this fight, and wanting to stay alive and feeling very loved by family and friends and, especially, all of the people who have ghost danced with me in the past and that continue to now.

The interesting thing is that, I think that, and Miguel and I have been talking about this – he doesn’t usually work with non-Native peoples. Of course, everybody up here, when they hear “ritual”, they think automatically that they are going to participate and/or be entertained, maybe a little more, and not necessarily just be a witness or actually asked to focus and hold the space of love open and just give time and energy to the healing and to what Miguel is doing. This one seemed a bit like that – people were falling asleep and people were leaving, and the energy didn’t really build until third round.

At that point, it kind of exploded. I was so moved and so touched by the people that sang with me in the ceremony and moaned with me and groaned with me and all of that. Not that you necessarily had to, but in this ceremony, that’s what made things take off.

That was really, really healing for me.

I think there are lessons in this. It’s definitely that every ceremony is different, and, you know, the frogs don’t always sing and the Spirit doesn’t always show up in tangible electricity. Sometimes it’s slow and people fall asleep and sometimes things go for a long, long time, and that’s all okay too. It’s still healing for me either way.

What else have I got to say?

Just got back from Oregon and it’s looking like I’m going to head down the path of doing the mini allogeneic bone marrow transplant, and that’s incredibly intense. I’ll talk more about that later. There are certainly big risks but there is also the potential for a cure. With me, right now, there are big risks every single day. Even when I’m not ghost dancing, I’m still dancing in the world of the dead and in the world of the living every day. I’m more attached to my suffering and my agony, and, hopefully find a place on most days to breathe and remember everything is ok no matter what, and that I’m going to be ok no matter what.

What’s most important is to be present and be in contact with people that I love and cherish. I love visitors – visiting is good. Please come visit. That’s inspiring to me because it gives me more reasons to live…not that I need reasons but I need reminders.

I guess that’s it on this post…that’s a lot.
I’ll post again soon.”

cauch

“So anyway that’s what I’ve been going through over the past few weeks. It’s certainly been hellish and it’s certainly been a lot of work and continues to be a lot of work to fight it, and to try not get too consumed by it really.

I haven’t really been interested in calling people or talking with people about it. It’s present enough for me to not want to explain it to all of you a million times, and it’s also a matter of energy conservation.

Anyway, I guess I’m rambling little bit.

You know, the other reason that I felt good enough to post this tonight is that Beth and I had a wonderful time in the city. We went to Kabuki Springs and each got a Bliss package where they do a bathing ritual and a massage. It was very healing. That was paid for by some of you all who helped do the fundraiser at Deborah’s a couple of weeks ago.

Thanks to all of you in terms of helping to do that, bidding on things and raising some money. It’s certainly helpful to us, especially as we get laden with more medical bills and also to have the opportunity to get a massage or something like that once in a while is really wonderful. I am eternally grateful for all of that.

What else do I have to say?

I’m thinking about doing another journal here at some point – not so much about what’s going on with me medically but more so about remarkable moments in my life that I’ve been wanting to document and talk about and share.

Stay tuned for that. I might start that. That will be a closed - it will start off anyway as a closed journal – invite only, but I’d be curious to hear who is interested.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about, “What do you do when things keep getting worse?”

The only real thing you can do is to adapt and to cherish what you do have. I am certainly thankful that I still have all of my limbs; I still have feeling in all of my limbs; I still have sight and sound and taste and certainly I love being able to experience my body when it is functioning. It’s much more difficult when it is not.

I suppose one upside to all of this has been that it certainly makes the simple things – having a body and enjoying it in moments without pain or discomfort – wonderful.

It’s easy to overlook that a lot.

Yeah, I guess that’s it for now, I don’t have a lot more to say, at the moment anyway.

This is Jeremy signing off.”

cauch

“Well, it’s certainly been a roller coaster over the last three weeks. Amongst some of the exciting stuff that has happened, I have also had a significant challenge, actually a series of challenges. Starting about three weeks ago, I started having some new symptoms in my pelvis, especially around my sacrum area. I felt a new pressure there – it’s like a pressure inside the sacrum, pushing on things, and obstructing my bladder and bowels a little bit and causing nerve pain and numbness.

I reported that to my nurse and it turned out my doctor was out of town so they had ordered an MRI and they did fine with that, but it turns out that the MRI was only half the picture. It was only taking pictures of the bone and not the soft tissue around the bone.
They kind of dropped the ball on it from there – they didn’t even get the report of my MRI back to the right hospital and to my oncologist until last Monday when I saw him.

Between now and then, things got a lot worse even though I was calling them and complaining almost every day and even saw my oncologist when he got back into town.

So I’m dealing with frustration, actually the first real frustration in terms of not paying attention to the symptoms I am reporting and the potential development of something that may not be reversible.

Needless to say, last Monday, after having a great weekend actually at Harbin Hot Springs with Beth, I had an incident there where I couldn’t control my bladder so I called my oncologist and went in on Monday, and explained my symptoms again.

He said, well, it sounds like you are having “Cauda Equina Syndrome”.

“Cauda Equina” is Latin for “Horse’s Tail” and that’s the extent of the spinal cord. After it leaves the spinal column, it spreads out into lots of little fibers in the pelvis and that’s called the “cauda equina” or horse’s tail. It looks like a horse’s tail.

Something was putting pressure on that so he decided I should go to the emergency room on Monday and get some tests because it could lead to all kinds of permanent damage.

I went to the emergency room on Friday; thankfully, Billy Bear was in town and he’s been spending some time with me. He took me until Beth could get there. And my family, my dad and step-mom and my mom is heading back into town.

Anyway, they put me on steroids, did the other MRI that was necessary and determined it was soft tissue metastasis putting pressure on the nerves. That’s a good sign because it’s not bone and has a much less of a chance to lead towards permanent damage, as far as I understand.

Steroids started to help a little bit and they started me on a 10-day course of radiation treatment. I did my fourth one yesterday Friday and I will start again next Monday - it’s about 11 am every day. It’s actually starting to relieve some of the symptoms and it’s not very difficult for me. It only takes about twenty minutes. When I do it, I try to envision a rainbow, energy, divine light going in through my body and scraping out all the bad stuff and trying to protect the good stuff because radiation can be very strong. Any bone that it touches that produces blood will no longer produce blood so obviously there’s concern about how much bone is exposed. They’re limiting it and it’s very high tech, 3-dimensional radiation that they’re limiting primarily to my pelvis, a little bit of my femur and the thoracic 12 which showed the potential for future metastasis on the spinal cord which is something you don’t want to happen because it could mean overnight paralysis of lower extremities.”

cauch

“Well, I have to say it was an awesome party – thank you so much to everybody who participated in arranging it, coming, and donating. We raised approximately 12,000 dollars which was three times as much as we thought we would to raise, and not only that, it felt for me and it sounds like it felt for a lot of people like a very healing and loving community event.

I just want to say that that’s exactly what I was hoping and looking for in terms of something for Healing the Roots because Healing the Roots, even before it became a foundation that was focused on my healing, I always envisioned it as something that would create a sense of space for our community, a community of activists to have a much greater sense of health and community.

I think that a lot of times, people have, people that work together in such intense situations, often risking their lives together, have a very strong sense of camaraderie and that roughly translates into a feeling of community because there is a lot of love and trust shared, but there is not a lot of infrastructure and support for those people. So when something happens - if something goes wrong, if somebody gets ill or somebody gets in trouble, then we’re always scrambling to do something, to help out.

Healing the Roots, to me, in terms of the long-term, is an organization that will really help cultivate those aspects that focus on the long-term and developing a real sense of community between people and places because I think community also has a very strong relationship to place. It’s where we live, it’s where we get our food, it’s what we want to see healthy in the future, and all of that.

Anyway, that was really wonderful.

There’s a little bit of new news. This is not so positive.

My chemotherapy is no longer working, so I’ve had to change gears, and after a very, very difficult last week, I spent the night in the emergency room on Wednesday night because I had a mild fever and I have been having breakthrough pain sometimes twice a day for a couple of hours and it is almost unbearable and this is already after doubling the amount of morphine I was already taking.

It’s a potential sign that there is more metastasis. It certainly feels like it and my numbers indicate that also.

I actually went and saw my oncologist Thursday and we’ve decided to take a break from chemotherapy clinical trials and try something else that is experimental but much less toxic on my body which I’m excited to try. It’s looking like it will be GMCSF (Granulocyte–Macrophage Colony-Stimulating Factor) which is immune therapy which will help stimulate my immune system to target the cancer which I’m philosophically a lot more aligned with and excited about.

Anyway, it was just really wonderful to have a very, very difficult week and to go out to the party and have such a wonderful time and then finish it off at the Goldman Environmental Awards on Monday and celebrate all the people who are doing great work around the planet and see my friends again.

Anyway, that’s about it, I’m running out of time.
Stay tuned.”

cauch

“Well, it’s been exactly one year since I was diagnosed with metastatic prostate cancer.

So I’m feeling inclined to leave a post. I’m not exactly sure what to say except that, on the good side, I am actually feeling better today than one year ago, and in terms of my overall healing, that’s a good sign.

A year ago today I could not sleep through the night. I would get bouts every single day of throbbing pain that would not only keep me up but make it impossible to stand, sit, or lay down comfortably. Basically, throb with every heartbeat.

It was certainly a great practice in reminding myself that each moment is temporary and the next moment might be better. Once I could sort of breathe and be in that state and just tell myself every moment, “This moment will also past. The next moment is a new moment”, I would actually feel better. Of course, pain medicine also helped a lot too.

The thirteen days I spent in the hospital was obviously life changing. I spent days without knowing a diagnosis. They drilled into my pelvis twice to try to get a sense of what the cancer was. I got a prostate biopsy which helped identify the fact that the cancer originated as prostate cancer and later spread to my bones. Of course, the biopsy made me pee blood for a couple of days which ended up clotting which meant they had to put a catheter in which was extremely painful. I had bone strengthening drugs which gave me a 104 temperature for a few days.

And I got put on morphine-like drugs to keep the pain away and I was asked to bank sperm which is a little difficult to do when you’re on opiates. So I went off the opiates and had breakthrough pain and did my best to bank sperm because I want to have a child in the future. Any person, any man who wants to bank sperm: definitely don’t do it around the time you have a biopsy because the color brown or dark red is a disturbing color - I won’t get any more graphic than that.

Anyway, enough with the morbid stuff.

I am really hoping that this second clinical trial will work. Actually my numbers don’t look great. The first chemo cycle didn’t really help. My PSA is back up to 426; last year it was 441.

But I can walk and eat and generally enjoy my waking and sleeping moments.

I’m about to run out of time so I guess that’s about it, I know I was going to say something else but it’s slipped my mind.

I guess I want to end this with a thank you to everyone who has been so incredibly kind and supportive and loving through this whole thing. I am so grateful and Beth is so grateful for your support. And, I look forward to spending more time with each and every one of you.

I guess that’s it.
Bye bye.”

cauch

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention it. I can’t believe I did really, because it was probably the most moving thing for me throughout the night. It didn’t matter so much that the time didn’t feel right for me to sing or for others to sing in the group. I truly trust that that will happen as we continue to ghostdance.

At the moments where we needed a response from the world of the spirit or nature, the frogs sang.

They sang at least nine or ten times that night where Miguel would be doing a part of his ritual and then there was an empty space, a moment for a response and right outside the window, the frogs would just raise their voices a few octaves. I think we all just sat in awe and it felt like they were there with us.

When the frogs sing, everything is ok.(laughter)

It was another truly transformational moment that I want to be sure to remember.”

cauch

“Ghostdancing was also what, according to Miguel, what the North Americans or Native Americans were doing, for example, Sitting Bull at the Battle of Wounded Knee before they were massacred. It spread like a wave across the US. As the Native Americans were dancing and honoring their ancestors, it appeared to non-native Americans as drunkenness and mad behavior and there were reports of spirits chasing away Army men and stuff like that, supposedly.

It was truly revolutionary. In fact it was outlawed for many years until the Native Americans were granted well some aspects of their sovereignty over their own religion and way of life.

You know, although I truly believe that the healing ceremony is helping me heal physically, the battle is not over yet.

I just got the news that my PSA is a little higher and I may have to change my drug regimen a little more on Monday; in other words, the chemo is no longer working or working as well

I don’t feel any less confident that this healing is truly transformational healing for me. I’m much more content and I am very willing and able to continue this battle in my life.

I certainly don’t mean to make any correlation between me and a great warrior like Sitting Bull but I feel like a warrior on this path. You know, it’s like the world right now – I have terror cells in my body and people are feeling terrorized in our country and elsewhere and borders no longer are being acknowledged, spreading like a cancer, and nature is not being honored or taken care of.

We’ve fallen out of step with our ancestors and, for me that is what this healing is really about. I ask you all to be ghostdancers, not only for me but for us.

Live in a humble and human way with each other and with this planet.

For me those were the biggest messages out of this healing ceremony and I’m sure I’ll say more about it later.”

cauch

“(continued)
I have a much deeper sense of respect and honor for our ancestors.

When I was in contact with what Miguel described as “Grandfather” later, which was what was coming into my mind at the time as Grandfather, it was one name of many names; everybody is in that universal life force when we die and I have just a deeper understanding and knowledge of that now. It was also grandmother, and mother, and father, and child, and sister, and brother. Actually, in the room, each and every one of you was in there as part of this web - my immediate family and ancestors and everybody else in the room and their immediate families and ancestors and even beings we don’t know.

I know it sounds crazy, but it’s worthwhile, I think, to communicate my experience of this.

When Miguel later in the ceremony was dancing with the spear and also gave me the spear and put it in my hand and laid it on my chest, I felt moved to sing, yet something was holding me back. Miguel and I talked about that later. Although the healing that is taking place is so deep and so profound, there is more healing that needs to take place. Each of us in the room, as a group, are ghostdancers. That’s what we were doing. We were ghostdancing.

This ritual that leads back to All Saints Day and Día de los muertos, that’s the day of the dead, and the ghostdancing was taking place across the country.

While he was ghostdancing and while I was moved to sing, he was trying to trick the cancer which is like an invader of my country. Actually, one of the things I said at the very beginning of the ceremony was that I had been fighting for other people’s sovereignty for a long time and I realize now I need to fight for sovereignty over my body because this thing is trying to take over, and if it does, I die – I can’t live here anymore.

And even though I know that’s ok now more than ever it’s not what I want. I want to stay here in the country of Jeremy.

As he was working to trick the cancer to showing its face, at the moment he stabbed it - because I had drawn a picture of it that I shared with everyone - everybody looked at it and he stabbed it with a spear and I felt it as it happened, and my eyes opened and I saw it.

That was another profound moment.

There is so much I want to share. This was not a linear experience it was holographic like life, like nature I can only talk around the story and describe some of the moments.

This ghostdancing - when you dance and honor the ancestors - is also a way to heal, not only to heal me - it was very clear in that room that the focus was on healing me and my body and that was happening and my spirit too, but also the wounds of our ancestors and the wounds of our relationships with each other and the wounds that exist when we experience fear and can’t sing.

There were also other people in the room who could have been moved to sing, but we’re just starting. This ghostdance has just started and it can become even more powerful. I hope it does.”

cauch

“Well, gosh, it’s really hard to communicate everything I want to communicate on this blog because of time, because of limitations, I can only do it five minutes at a time, and because it’s difficult to say things so quickly in a real and unedited kind of way.

I want to express to all of you that were in the healing circle how incredible the healing last weekend was for me. It was without any psychedelics but it was the most transformational and psychedelic experience I’ve ever had.

As I lay down and each of you walked into the room, I began to transform almost immediately which is why I was sobbing.

I was sobbing because I didn’t want fear to get in the way so I just filled in with love - love that I felt for every one of you, the love I have for myself and the trust I have in the experience of the healing.

That moved me into a realm that I never really experienced or touched before. As Miguel, the healer, said, I was truly dancing in the world of the living on the right and dancing in the world of the dead on the left.

I know that sounds maybe scary to some or ridiculous to others, although I don’t think the people in the room felt that way. That is truly what it was. It was as if Miguel and I and each and every one of you who created the web of healing for me were experiencing that too. Whenever I opened my eyes and saw Miguel doing something, it was as if my body was doing it too. I think you noticed that.

Actually, early on I felt a hand on my chest and well, it was actually my hand and it was cold and got really cold and I just kind of let go to the healing and that was it. Then, all of the sudden, the hand was our grandfather - the universal life source that is everything, that when we die, the information goes back to and can be summoned as anybody’s grandfather, and it came to me as Beth’s grandfather

It kept telling me to tell her that everything was going to be ok, everything was going to be ok on this side and everything would be ok on the other side. Although I wasn’t saying anything because I could hardly talk, I was just sobbing, I was kind of arguing saying I didn’t want to say anything, that I don’t want to disturb the ceremony.

Finally, Grandfather won and I spoke and told Beth that everything was going to be ok, that her grandfather told me. I argued with him, that I want to stay; I don’t want it to just be okay in the world of the dead - even though I understand that more deeply than I ever had - I want to heal.

In the next moment, my body was on fire – every cell – it was a cold fire, not hot or burning. It was comfortable. It was as if I was in the world with Grandfather and something else was filling my body.

That was how Miguel explained it. When you do a healing ceremony, you have to go into the world of the dead, you have to die to heal.

That was the first round, there were three more rounds
That’s all I have to say at the moment.
The time limit has ended.

It was incredible.”

cauch