The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear. - Voice Post: It's been a year...

“Well, it’s been exactly one year since I was diagnosed with metastatic prostate cancer.

So I’m feeling inclined to leave a post. I’m not exactly sure what to say except that, on the good side, I am actually feeling better today than one year ago, and in terms of my overall healing, that’s a good sign.

A year ago today I could not sleep through the night. I would get bouts every single day of throbbing pain that would not only keep me up but make it impossible to stand, sit, or lay down comfortably. Basically, throb with every heartbeat.

It was certainly a great practice in reminding myself that each moment is temporary and the next moment might be better. Once I could sort of breathe and be in that state and just tell myself every moment, “This moment will also past. The next moment is a new moment”, I would actually feel better. Of course, pain medicine also helped a lot too.

The thirteen days I spent in the hospital was obviously life changing. I spent days without knowing a diagnosis. They drilled into my pelvis twice to try to get a sense of what the cancer was. I got a prostate biopsy which helped identify the fact that the cancer originated as prostate cancer and later spread to my bones. Of course, the biopsy made me pee blood for a couple of days which ended up clotting which meant they had to put a catheter in which was extremely painful. I had bone strengthening drugs which gave me a 104 temperature for a few days.

And I got put on morphine-like drugs to keep the pain away and I was asked to bank sperm which is a little difficult to do when you’re on opiates. So I went off the opiates and had breakthrough pain and did my best to bank sperm because I want to have a child in the future. Any person, any man who wants to bank sperm: definitely don’t do it around the time you have a biopsy because the color brown or dark red is a disturbing color - I won’t get any more graphic than that.

Anyway, enough with the morbid stuff.

I am really hoping that this second clinical trial will work. Actually my numbers don’t look great. The first chemo cycle didn’t really help. My PSA is back up to 426; last year it was 441.

But I can walk and eat and generally enjoy my waking and sleeping moments.

I’m about to run out of time so I guess that’s about it, I know I was going to say something else but it’s slipped my mind.

I guess I want to end this with a thank you to everyone who has been so incredibly kind and supportive and loving through this whole thing. I am so grateful and Beth is so grateful for your support. And, I look forward to spending more time with each and every one of you.

I guess that’s it.
Bye bye.”

cauch