The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear. - Voice Post: At Mt. Parnassus Hospital

“Hi, it’s been a while since I’ve made any posts and, in my mind, understandably so, I’ve just been going through a lot.

I’m now back here at Mount Parnassus in the hospital. I’ve been in and out of the hospital a lot, frequently, mostly dealing with pain due to metastasis, and now also looking at surgery due to metastasis because if I don’t try to clear some area around my T-9 (thoracic-9) part of my spine then I could become paralyzed and that’s just, you know, the top of the pile of crap that I’ve been dealing with.
There’s metastasis on my head and I’m getting an MRI of my brain. Needless to say that this is troubling me and Beth and my family quite a bit and everybody has been so incredibly supportive and I am so grateful for all of you for how supportive you’ve been. Thank you so much for that. Please continue to be, not only for me and for Beth Leigh and my family because we all need it right now.

I don’t even know how to look at this anymore. The amount of news I’ve gotten recently has created one of those moments where you just feel like all you can do is laugh because things can’t get any worse than this, you know?

My brain could be metastasizing; I could become paralyzed and there is a new area of metastasis three or four vertebrae up that I have to have irradiated now which is what I’m doing now and have been doing for the last few days. And in all of that I should include getting this other surgery to get an interscalene pump that will reduce the pain I feel throughout my body.

The amount of pain I feel throughout the body requires enough painkillers to, probably, to at least sedate a large animal like an elephant.

What can I say - my spirits – I’m so excited to be alive but I don’t want to suffer anymore. Suffering sucks. If there’s any hard part of this struggle it’s identifying with suffering and identifying with pain and allowing either one of those to overtake the last beautiful, loving moments I may have in my life. It’s my work.

That’s it for now.”

cauch