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Voice Post: nadir

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Oct. 4th, 2006 | 10:28 pm

VoicePost
925K 5:06
“Hello again. I am now about 10 days into my chemotherapy cycle and officially in my nadir, which means that my white blood cell count is at about the lowest that it is going to get. I’m not supposed to go outside and socialize with too many people, no concerts, or crazy places. That suits me fine right now.

The last few days have actually been difficult emotionally for me. I, uh, I get overwhelmed pretty easily, and I, uh, think it has something to do with the weather. I’ve always been impacted by the weather - just before it rains I tend to get more agitated, and that seems to be multiplying now. I figure that’s probably because I’m on the androgen deprivation therapy and that has a huge impact on my hormones. So, everything is amplified and it is easy for me to get frustrated or upset. Makes it difficult to communicate sometimes. So, I haven’t really been feeling like talking on the phone or socializing with people all that much. Sometimes that’s just annoying and I just don’t want to do it. So, I apologize for those of you who have called and I haven’t called back yet.

I guess the other thing I’m really dealing with is the fact that I, you know, that, well, it’s the constant state of readjustment – having cancer and dealing with my body, and realizing that to a certain extent, I’m disabled, and I have never operated in the world that way, at least not intentionally. I have always been physically active and fit, working my ass off or overworking. As I’ve explained a little bit before I still have that inclination but I can’t do it. Mentally I can act as healthy as I want but that doesn’t necessarily correspond that my energy levels and the amount of time I can kind of keep things up in my body.

It’s funny - I had a dream a few days ago. Somewhere nearby a body a water, like Tahoe or Lake Arrowhead in LA. I was near family - Beth was nearby; my mom was nearby. Somebody lent me a boat and I got all the way down to the boat launch and put the boat in the water, and I was talking with the guys there. There was this little corner store where you can by gasoline and I went in and I was talking to the guy. I went back outside and got ready to get in the boat and thought I was ready to go out on the lake and have a fun day somewhere, and I realized I forgot my gas cans, and that was a dream.

That translates very easily to me that I don’t have the reserves I want to have; I don’t have the energy I want to have, and that’s tough. So, I gotta deal with it.

I guess that’s it tonight.

I hope all you out there are having a wonderful beginning to this fall. Thanks for the newcomers who are showing up and for commenting on what I should rename my blog to. Maybe I should rename it to “nadir” – basically translates that I’m at the lowest point. I probably won’t do that.

Please keep commenting [continued above].”

Transcribed by: cauch

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Comments {15}

Hey

from: kilv
date: Oct. 6th, 2006 01:50 am (UTC)
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Thanks for taking the time to update veryone. Stay strong and take all the time and energy you need to be well. Therer is a Zenith for evry Nadir!

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adjusting

from: lanihorn
date: Oct. 6th, 2006 03:30 am (UTC)
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I can only begin to imagine what you must be experiencing, having your body be so fragile and vulnerable after all those years of incredible energy and strength. I believe in my heart it will come back and you will regain some of that eventually. In the meantime, maybe the fragile, stiller you can experience new things in the world that the strong, always-moving you couldn't perceive... Just a wish for you, I guess....

Love,
Lani

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Hi Jeremy

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 6th, 2006 04:54 am (UTC)
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This is the first time I've written to you, but I have been reading your blog for a while now. Lani is one of my professors/friends at the UW. I think the way your remembered and interpreted your dream was really fascinating. I am sorry you do not have the energy you want right now. You say that staying home suits you fine right now and I want to remind you that although you aren't socializing in person with many people right now, there are lots of us out here standing by you from a distance. We're thinking about you and having our own dreams about watching you rise up out of this lowest point. My husband and I volunteer at an organization in Seattle called Cancer Lifeline. If you're interested in checking out their website it is: http://www.cancerlifeline.org/ They have a fantastic cookbook and if you'd like, we'd love to send a copy to you.
Fondly,
Allison Hintz
abh2@u.washington.edu

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Low White Count.

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 6th, 2006 06:03 am (UTC)
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Hi Jeremy,
I spoke with you briefly when you and Beth came to Seattle. I'm the realtor/friend of Lani. You know my white count became dangerously low when I was on chemo. I had to take high dose antibiotics and I gave myself neupogen shots daily in the stomach. It did manage to go back up in time, but those days were lousy. I just kept thinking the good cells were being killed, but the damn cancer cells were dying right along with them. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. I love the meaningful voice posts you do. It is such a personal way of reaching out. Your wedding brought tears to my eyes. You and Beth breathe inspiration and are such a beautiful united couple. Keep up the fight, rest, love, and let each day bring you hope and joy.
Best,
Cindi Oneal

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(no subject)

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 6th, 2006 07:53 am (UTC)
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Hi Jeremy, I work with Lani at UW and have been asking about you and thinking about you a lot. I just wanted you to know that there are a ton of people out here pulling for you. I hope that tomorrow is easier than today and that you find strength in everyone who loves you. We hear great things about you! Love, Elham

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thinking of you, jeremy

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 6th, 2006 01:49 pm (UTC)
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Hi, Jeremy -

Julie Katz here, a friend of Lani and Adam's in Seattle, wishing you hope and comfort and courage. I love the weave of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's words, and hope the ones I've included below bring you comfort.

Take care -

Julie

--
Comfort
Speak low to me, my Saviour, low and sweet
From out the hallelujahs, sweet and low
Lest I should fear and fall, and miss Thee so
Who art not missed by any that entreat.
Speak to me as to Mary at thy feet!
And if no precious gems my hands bestow,
Let my tears drop like amber while I go
In reach of thy divinest voice complete
In humanest affection -- thus, in sooth,
To lose the sense of losing. As a child,
Whose song-bird seeks the wood for evermore
Is sung to in its stead by mother's mouth
Till, sinking on her breast, love-reconciled,
He sleeps the faster that he wept before.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

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Thanks for sharing your courage

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 6th, 2006 04:25 pm (UTC)
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Just wanted to thank you - even though I only know you though friends. I personally find it difficult to share my emotions with people I care about. I appreciate your sharing your feelings with so many people. My your gax cans get refilled quickly.

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(no subject)

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 6th, 2006 04:55 pm (UTC)
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Jeremy,

We've never met, but I (and the rest of my family) met Lani and family when we were neighbors in Oakland and we've recently moved up to the Seattle area, so we're neighbors again.

Thanks to Lani's faithful updates, you're in my thoughts very often. I'm nearly in awe of the strength that you've shown through your ordeal and through the physical and emotional rollercoaster. I'm sorry that you don't have the physical strength to do what you want to, what you're accustomed to doing. I wish you all the serenity and peace you can muster to cope with your uncooperative body.

Warmly,
Michael Berman

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Some poems by David Whyte

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 6th, 2006 06:04 pm (UTC)
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http://davidwhyte.bigmindcatalyst.com/cgi/bmc.pl?page=pubpg2.html&node=1033

See, especially, "The House of Belonging" and "The Well of Grief."


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thinking of you

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 6th, 2006 08:46 pm (UTC)
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Hi Jeremy,

I'm a friend of Lani's from Berkeley.

I wanted you to know that I think a lot about you and the things you are struggling with. I am always hoping that you regain your physical and emotional strength soon. Your sense of - I don't know what to call it other than "grounded-ness" as you go through this difficult time is inspiring and I hope it helps you deal with everything that you are facing.

take good care, Susan

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Let strength rain down on you

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 6th, 2006 10:13 pm (UTC)
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Hi Jeremy - I was thinking about you today. It is raining here in Alaska too. I always love to watch the rain on the forest. There is a big cloud of mist hanging over the mountain that I can see outside my window at work. Let the rain energize you.
With caring, Patte

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Thinking of you

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 7th, 2006 05:38 am (UTC)
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Dear Jeremy,

I'm a colleague of Lani's at the UW in Seattle. My Dad had cancer when I was 11 years old. He was 35. It was such a challenging time for him and for our family. The chemotheraphy was especially hard. So I identify with and understand your posts more than I can express. Now, 30 years later, we just enjoyed a wonderful summer with my Dad and his partner who decided to live here for a few months. I know that many people were thinking about and caring for my Dad and our family during his cancer treatment. I know that you have so many people thinking about and caring for you too. I hope that this enormous amount of positive energy is itself a form of therapy for you - a kind that no medicine can possibly provide.

Sending our love and support to you, Beth, and your family,

Leslie Herrenkohl and family

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(no subject)

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 7th, 2006 11:57 pm (UTC)
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hi jeremy,

i am a good friend of lani's at uw in seattle and i wanted you to know how much you are in our thoughts and hearts.

please know there are friends near and far who are there, supporting you and rooting for you.

take care of yourself, manka

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Shana

(no subject)

from: girlinthemoon
date: Oct. 8th, 2006 10:41 pm (UTC)
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I love you, Jer. Your wisdom and your body's wisdom will see you through these rough days. You have my continual thoughts and my heart, and the family I work with is also keeping you in their thoughts and prayers. My love to Beth.

Healjer.


Love,
Shana

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jerumi

(no subject)

from: jerumi
date: Oct. 14th, 2006 07:55 am (UTC)
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Thanks so much for your Love and support Shana :)

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