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Voice Post: At Mt. Parnassus Hospital

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Oct. 9th, 2007 | 02:17 pm

VoicePost
620K 3:31
“Hi, it’s been a while since I’ve made any posts and, in my mind, understandably so, I’ve just been going through a lot.

I’m now back here at Mount Parnassus in the hospital. I’ve been in and out of the hospital a lot, frequently, mostly dealing with pain due to metastasis, and now also looking at surgery due to metastasis because if I don’t try to clear some area around my T-9 (thoracic-9) part of my spine then I could become paralyzed and that’s just, you know, the top of the pile of crap that I’ve been dealing with.
There’s metastasis on my head and I’m getting an MRI of my brain. Needless to say that this is troubling me and Beth and my family quite a bit and everybody has been so incredibly supportive and I am so grateful for all of you for how supportive you’ve been. Thank you so much for that. Please continue to be, not only for me and for Beth Leigh and my family because we all need it right now.

I don’t even know how to look at this anymore. The amount of news I’ve gotten recently has created one of those moments where you just feel like all you can do is laugh because things can’t get any worse than this, you know?

My brain could be metastasizing; I could become paralyzed and there is a new area of metastasis three or four vertebrae up that I have to have irradiated now which is what I’m doing now and have been doing for the last few days. And in all of that I should include getting this other surgery to get an interscalene pump that will reduce the pain I feel throughout my body.

The amount of pain I feel throughout the body requires enough painkillers to, probably, to at least sedate a large animal like an elephant.

What can I say - my spirits – I’m so excited to be alive but I don’t want to suffer anymore. Suffering sucks. If there’s any hard part of this struggle it’s identifying with suffering and identifying with pain and allowing either one of those to overtake the last beautiful, loving moments I may have in my life. It’s my work.

That’s it for now.”

Transcribed by: cauch

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Comments {31}

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Sweet Brother

from: lanihorn
date: Oct. 10th, 2007 03:46 am (UTC)
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I love you, Jeremy. I am so sorry you are suffering like this.
I hope that the doctors can make it stop soon.

I miss you a lot.

Love,

Lani

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jerumi

Re: Sweet Brother

from: jerumi
date: Oct. 12th, 2007 08:10 pm (UTC)
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Thanks Sis, I know you and a lot of friends and family want me to be free of suffering. Its the most basic thing about Love isn't it? Just thinking about you as a mother and what you've been going through recently with your family every day. I wish that for you too and know that you also keep your spirits pretty high. I tend not to dwell on the suffering except at the most painful points where it seems overwhelming. But if I breathe for a minute I often find space even inside severe pain..

I Love You,
Jeremy

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thinking of you

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 10th, 2007 05:14 am (UTC)
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Jeremy,
I'm one of Lani's friends at UW. I know we haven't met but like many others, I've been thinking of you. You have strength and a lightness in your heart, the likes of which I don't think I've never encountered. Words really aren't sufficient.
Elham

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From Mari

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 10th, 2007 10:42 pm (UTC)
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Hi Jeremy,

It was great seeing you the other day, and you seemed better on that day. I think you are courageous, strong and patient, which continues to impress and encourage all of us. We miss you very much in the forest work, and we are all praying for you whilst doing our best to achieve what you would like to see happening.

Lots of love
Mari

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jerumi

Re: From Mari

from: jerumi
date: Oct. 11th, 2007 12:38 am (UTC)
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Thanks so much Mari. It was really great to see you too. thanks for taking the time to come out an see me. I truly miss the work that you and I were doing in Japan / US and really hope that you are able to carry it on and one day that I will be there by your side again!

Lots of love,
Jeremy

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Hello from the Tongass

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 10th, 2007 11:07 pm (UTC)
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Jeremy, Thanks so much for your latest blog post. It is good to hear from you again. You have been in my thoughts a lot the last couple of months. I continue to draw inspiration from you for my work and my life. Keep up the good spirits. Let let me know if there is anything I can do for you or your family.

Your Tongass co-conspirator, Brian

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jerumi

Re: Hello from the Tongass

from: jerumi
date: Oct. 11th, 2007 12:41 am (UTC)
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Hey Brother Brian, so nice to hear from you! You've been in my thoughts as well especially since I was able to see Mari the other day and hear a a few updates about AK. Thanks for reaching out and offering help too. Mostly it would just be good to see you sometime soon!

Jeremy

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from Han

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 11th, 2007 03:39 am (UTC)
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Hey Brother,
It's great to hear your voice but I'm so sorry to hear you've been in such terrible pain. I wish you relief and hope everything you (and the doctors) are doing right now is effective. Besides a super-short trip through the Bay for meetings after the last SFT Action Camp, I haven't been out in quite a while... haven't seen you since that moving day to Sausalito. Kayana and I were talking about you recently and she scolded me for what I realize now is pretty stupid and selfish. I was telling her how I've thought you've got a lot of really great friends out there – closer friends than me – and I don't want to bother you by calling... cuz you know, I'm not up on your schedule, not sure when is a good time. I just think I'll see you soon when I get back out to the Bay. WTF?! It's been too long and I miss you and I really want you to know how often you're in my thoughts.
Lemme know when I can give you a call and say hi, will ya? Or gimme a ring when you're up for it.
Sending you all the peaceful, healing, warm energy this aging punk-rocker can muster.
Much love,
Han
917-418-4133

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jerumi

Re: from Han

from: jerumi
date: Oct. 15th, 2007 01:10 am (UTC)
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I Love Ya Han, just gimme a call bro, of course I'd like to talk to you any day. I cherish the time(s) that we've had to gether. They've been incredibly transformational -eh? I mean everything we did together at Ruckus and RAN, culminating in Seattle and on and on? We may not be the closest of friends but certainly comrades who for some reason, act of will(s), together with a log of other wonderful people, pulled some great stuff together that is still reverberating on the planet. I love that we have shared that together. And with you it was almost always a very high point. I hope we get to have more of them..

J

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(no subject)

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 11th, 2007 04:06 am (UTC)
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jeremy the jedi-damn its been a long time, i check your blog regularly to see how you are, and it makes me feel a tiny bit closer to you after all this time...remember watching a spider on a tree by the light of your headlamp in the scw7cwlk, while listening to some crazy un-identifiable creatures making sex sounds? sometimes i wish i could grab you and we could transport back there...anyway, think of you often,
alecia

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jerumi

(no subject)

from: jerumi
date: Oct. 15th, 2007 01:12 am (UTC)
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I Loved that time in the scw7cwlk Alecia. What an amazing time. How about listening to the pack of wolves making their way back through the watersheds to the young a wounded sounding one. I felt like part of their family when we howled.

Love,
Jeremy

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(no subject)

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 11th, 2007 05:00 pm (UTC)
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Hi Jeremy -

It's so good to hear from you. As many others have already said, your courage and strength is inspiring to all of us. I hope that today you are feeling less pain than yesterday, and that tomorrow will be better than today. Sending love and energy your direction, and looking forward to working with you again on protecting our precious forests in SE Alaska.

Please let me know if I can be of any help - or if you would be up for a visit.

Debbie

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jerumi

(no subject)

from: jerumi
date: Oct. 15th, 2007 01:13 am (UTC)
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Thanks so much Debbie, I'm so glad to know that you are still a part of things and that they arel being carried forward in SE AK.

xo,
J

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Billyrich

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 11th, 2007 07:13 pm (UTC)
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Hey Jeremy. Hang in there, brother. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers every day. It was great seeing you in June and meeting Beth Leigh. Despite the changes in you physical appearance, your eyes were the same as always - bright, full of life, and reflecting the strong and passionate spirit that is Jeremy Paster. Cancer can ravage your body, but it can never touch your soul. I hope that you find peace in the love that surrounds you.

Bill.

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jerumi

Re: Billyrich

from: jerumi
date: Oct. 15th, 2007 01:14 am (UTC)
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Thanks Brother. Miss Ya.

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-words from someone with wisdom-

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 11th, 2007 09:09 pm (UTC)
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Jeremy,

Thank you again for your continuing to share your path with us. I am so glad that I am going to the bay and will get to see you and Beth soon.

I went to see the great Zen master Thich Nan Han last night it was a wonderful gift to hear his soft voice talk from a place of politically action and clearly describe the Buddhist practice and intention of freeing oneself from suffering.

At one point he spoke of 2 people who he met who were told they would die shortly from cancer. He said both people had been told by doctors they had a few months to live. After meeting Nan Han both people spent a few months practicing mindful living with him and his sanga in their place in France. And in both cases the cancer had been reduced and one person lived for 14 years after and the other lives beyond that. He said that once people accept the inevitability of their death and lives in peace we can heal.

I have not been with you since the beginning of this struggle but from what I can tell you have been, at times thinking in this frame of acceptance. And I know that you have been trying to live a life of peace and mindfulness for many years before you encountered this struggle. I don't know if the acceptance Nan Han spoke of can have such a profound impact, for you but I thought it was meant for me to share with you.

Much love - Jessica

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jerumi

Re: -words from someone with wisdom-

from: jerumi
date: Oct. 15th, 2007 01:25 am (UTC)
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Thanks Jess, I'm really looking forward to seeing you. I am certainly living in more acceptance of the inevitability of my death, and that it may be very soon. There is certainly more peace too. I believe that this has already prolonged my life and struggle with cancer. I don't know how much longer it will..

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-words from someone with wisdom-

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 11th, 2007 09:10 pm (UTC)
Link

Jeremy,

Thank you again for your continuing to share your path with us. I am so glad that I am going to the bay and will get to see you and Beth soon.

I went to see the great Zen master Thich Nan Han last night it was a wonderful gift to hear his soft voice talk from a place of politically action and clearly describe the Buddhist practice and intention of freeing oneself from suffering.

At one point he spoke of 2 people who he met who were told they would die shortly from cancer. He said both people had been told by doctors they had a few months to live. After meeting Nan Han both people spent a few months practicing mindful living with him and his sanga in their place in France. And in both cases the cancer had been reduced and one person lived for 14 years after and the other lives beyond that. He said that once people accept the inevitability of their death and lives in peace we can heal.

I have not been with you since the beginning of this struggle but from what I can tell you have been, at times thinking in this frame of acceptance. And I know that you have been trying to live a life of peace and mindfulness for many years before you encountered this struggle. I know there are many stories like this, and I don't know if the acceptance Nan Han spoke of can have such a profound impact but I thought it was meant for me to share with you so I hope it helps in some way.

Much love - Jessica

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Tongass Blog in Japan

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 11th, 2007 11:36 pm (UTC)
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Hi again Jeremy,

So here is the link for our "From the Forests Where Spirits Live - Temperate Rainforests in Southeast Alaska": http://sitkaspruce.seesaa.net/category/3187405-1.html
Not sure if you remember him, but Yuki who used to volunteer for FoE (and I stole from
It has one of your photos (although it should have two, as we exhibited two!), which were admired by over 80 guests who were all connected to us through our supporters in Japan.
There will also be a short video clip completed soon, which I'll post on this blog.

Our thoughts are with you...

Love
Mari

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jerumi

Re: Tongass Blog in Japan

from: jerumi
date: Oct. 15th, 2007 01:26 am (UTC)
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nicely done Mari, thanks so much

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from Kathy Ni Keefe

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 13th, 2007 04:12 am (UTC)
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hi Jeremy, i just discovered this list serve and have been reading through posts and comments and listening to your voice and thinking about you so much. you have been in my thoughts a ton this last year and i feel deeply inspired and humbled by you. the first time i met you at a Ruckus camp in Virginia, i knew you were some kind of amazing guy. and i was damn right! i am so sorry you are suffering so much. and I am sending you a barn full of love. xoKathy

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jerumi

Re: from Kathy Ni Keefe

from: jerumi
date: Oct. 15th, 2007 01:31 am (UTC)
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Hey Kathy :),

Nice to hear from you. I miss you tons and would love to hear from you. I still think about you, what you've been though and the one message you left me about how you have dealt with your pain.

xo,
Jeremy

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Thinking of you often -- sending good vibes

from: muskeg_larry
date: Oct. 15th, 2007 02:31 am (UTC)
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Hi Jeremy, I'm sorry to have been out of contact with you for so long. Since it is hard to reach you by phone or e-mail it seemed it must be too stressful for you keep up with everyone, and until today I have had trouble logging on here. But I do think of you lots, and send positive vibes your way. There so much happening now, following on from your great work in getting Sealaska interested in forest stewardship, that I am amazed at how fast a snowball can get rolling once it has a good start. All of your work -- that project, your activism in the Great Bear Rainforest, and your humanitarian efforts in Asia -- and your energy, dedication and brilliance have been a tremendous inspiration to me. I hope for the day when your suffering is behind you and we can work again together on needed protections for the Tongass and Southeast Alaska. Working with you was always great fun. As you said, with the unknowns you are faced with, what is important now is the beauty and loving moments of life. And I just want you to know that whatever happens, you have made a big difference in many ways, your life has been worthwhile, and you have made the world a better place. My hope is that we will see you and Beth Leigh in Sitka sometime soon, with suffering behind you. Let it be! Best wishes, -- Larry

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Re: Thinking of you often -- sending good vibes

from: muskeg_larry
date: Oct. 15th, 2007 02:33 am (UTC)
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All mashed into one big paragraph -- oh well! So much for technology.

-- Larry

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So true

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 15th, 2007 06:47 pm (UTC)
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My dear Jeremy, Larrys words are so very much true!
I can also see what you mean when saying the suffering should not overtake the last beautifull moments. After so many years working in hospitals this is what worries me most when thinking of my own last moments. And I do spend quite some thoughts on the limited time we all have been given on this earth.
But following you along your way I gained hope. It might get really bad in life, but in the end it is up to each one of us, to let the beauty in our lifes survive. That this is possible I learned through your blogs, Jeremy, and thank you so much for that! I will be with you in my thoughts, as I was during the last months.
I send you and Beth strength, beauty and peace
Nena

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jerumi

Re: So true

from: jerumi
date: Oct. 16th, 2007 03:28 am (UTC)
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Wow Nene, I'm glad I've been able to inspire some effect like that. I miss you and fondly remember the times that we spent together in AK and on the boats.

xo,
J

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Sitka friend

from: anonymous
date: Oct. 19th, 2007 05:49 am (UTC)
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Jeremy,

For a long time I have checked your entries in this journal. It is a privilege to hear your voice and accompany you on this fateful journey. You are a warrior again, fearless and courageous. And a role model for all of us.

Knowing you has always felt special. And inspiring. Your willingness to work hard and fight for the cause is only surpassed by your capacity to endure the present suffering. I wish you wouldn't have to go through this. Larry and I talk about you often, and I do my best to send you healing energy.

We fondly remember trips on all kinds of boats with you on Sitka Sound and hope we will see you and Beth Leigh here for more of this fun. Hey, I saw whale spouts from my kitchen window just the other day. At first they looked like sails, but they dissipated a few seconds later. Thank you, Jeremy, that you gave so much to protecting the wild places around us.

Love, love, love,
Martina

P.S. From November 1 through 5, I will be in SF and Marin. Is it ok to see you? Let me know how best to contact you.






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